YOU ARE NOT ALONE

It’s been a while. It took me some time to get back to writing. Let’s be real, for most of us 2019 wasn’t the greatest year and our hopes were high for 2020 and then BAM… Corona surprises us with one of the craziest years yet. But in all honesty in a way this lockdown has helped me get back focus where it’s due. It has helped me to reflect and continue to deal with some long overdue issues in my life. And that is why I decided to start this new section in my blog called ‘Getting Personal’.

Over the past year I had a good, prolonged, wake-up call. But it was one I realized I need to share. I realized how many people were struggling with the same things I am. And when we are struggling with some real stuff we tend to not share them with the whole world because, well obviously, it’s personal but it is also uncomfortable and painful and it probably shows our weaknesses, and why would we want everyone to see our weaknesses and struggles, right? But alas here I am about to share my struggle with you. Not because I want you to feel sorry for me. But in the hope that maybe by sharing my experience it might help you in some way. And one of the biggest things that helped me was to know ‘you are not alone.’

So here is my first struggle. I know a lot of you struggle with this and may not even know it. It has been something that has overtaken and held onto so many of us. It comes like a wave, sometimes we can anticipate it’s coming, but sometimes it hits us out of nowhere and leaves us feeling helpless, sometimes even hopeless and most of the time no one knows where it began. The struggle… Anxiety.

If you don’t already know, you may be wondering why I am making such a big deal about this. People stress everyday and get anxious about things on a daily basis and they are fine and surviving? The problem with anxiety is it distorts the truth. When you get anxious or stressed your body goes into fight or flight mode and starts releasing hormones your body needs to protect itself because it senses that you are in danger. These hormones aren’t bad, but like anything if your body has too much of it, it causes extra strain in your system. So if you are constantly stressed or anxious your body will constantly be releasing these hormones and if you are not doing anything to get that stress out of your system or the stress is too much you will start experiencing serious health issues. This is what happened to me.

 Before I realized that I was struggling with anxiety, I’ve only heard about anxiety and panic attacks briefly. Also I REALLY did not think this was something that I would ever struggle with. A close friend of mine that has been struggling with anxiety and panic attacks started sharing her experiences with me. She told me how she felt when the wave came and what would help and what wouldn’t. At the time it was something I couldn’t fully grasp. Because it’s not like you can just take a few deep breaths and then it goes away. But I wanted to learn more about it because I wanted to be able to help her if she ever had an attack when I am with her. One evening I was at a friend’s place, we were in the midst of quite a serious conversation. I got up to go to the bathroom and on the way I realized something wasn’t right. My breathing was shallow, there was a weight on my chest, it felt like my body was moving really slow, almost like every little movement I made was taking every ounce of energy in me. I wanted to cry but at the same time I didn’t have the energy to do so. It felt in a way that my mind was drifting. I couldn’t rail it in even if I wanted to. And the worst part was the more my friend tried to help, the worse I felt. I felt distant to everything and all I wanted to do was run away, far far away.

That night when I got home and the wave was over and I realized what had just happened, I realized something else… This was not the first time I have experienced this. I remembered several previous experiences just like this one. At the time I just thought I was overly emotional. I would push through it somehow and try carrying on, but I always felt exhausted and totally flat afterwards.

When I look back I can see that my body was sending me warning signs for quite a while. It started with exhaustion. I wouldn’t want to get out of bed in the mornings. Being social was at the bottom of my to do list, I didn’t have any capacity for people, even just catching up over coffee would drain my energy levels completely. I only realized something wasn’t right after I had been sick for almost 6 months. And by sick I mean, I had the flu, a fever, swollen glands, I was shaky and got sudden bursts of eczema on my skin. How sad is it that most of the time our bodies have to force us to stop and take a closer look before we realize that what or how we have been doing things is actually causing us more damage.

I have done tons of research about anxiety, I have seen 3 different doctors, I have gone for counselling, just to try and find the source of it all. I have also spoken to so many people close to me, even employees, and it was shocking to hear how many people were actually struggling with this, and most people take some medication to help the symptoms. I am a type of person that wants to know the origin of things, I want to do research and get as much information about something so I can understand it better. So going on some sort of medication to help the symptoms was not an option for me until I could actually understand where this anxiety came into my life.

I am definitely not an expert on any level regarding this. I do know though that anxiety is a very personal journey, no one experiences it the same way and every one deals with it differently. For me I realized that it all pointed back to me. There were responsibilities and pressures I had put on myself to perform in a certain way. Of course there were things that had happened to me in my past that had an impact on my current state of mind but I made the choice what I believed about myself and other people.

I have realized that in order for me to overcome my anxiety, I have to change the way that I think. And I also decided that I needed something extra to give me a little help. I decided to go on medication (prescribed by a doctor of course). But this is only to give me a bit of a boost on my journey to overcome anxiety. And yes I do believe that even in the days we live today we can live a life free from this wave that can abrupt our day at any given moment.

If you are reading this and it resonates with you in any way, maybe it’s time you take a closer look. Maybe chat to someone you trust about what you are feeling. One thing I know for sure is that when we bring these things we think about ourselves or others or about life into the light, it brings opportunity for it to be resolved and restored. You are meant to live a life of joy and fullness don’t settle for anything less.